I have been pondering on what I have learnt over this last week and reflecting on whether I am still working on my theme for the year. That theme being ‘Passionately Failing Towards Success’. I say this a lot but it really is all the small incremental steps that we take consistently everyday that create the biggest changes in our life. I haven’t given up and I have been still pushing myself outside of my comfort zone regularly and taking bigger chances to fail. So yes, I am still going. Sometimes, struggling. But I am still on track. To achieve our goals, we must consistently work on them, check in to see that we are still following through with our plan and never give up. All I can do is put one foot in front of the other and do my best everyday and be grateful for the progress I am making because that is better than not moving at all or moving backwards.
Last week’s Blog was all about feeling overwhelmed by my to-do list. I am still having big moments of overwhelm but I am doing my best to focus on the 5 tools: Pep Talk, The right Support, Time out, Prayer and Serving others. It has helped me to really listen to myself and to remember to take time out to breathe.
This week, I have identified that I feel really scared at the moment. Scared that I can feel myself trying to self sabotage my progress. I know that I am on the precipice of a few big things in many areas of my life and it’s frightening. I remember there were times wherein I had no responsibilities for anything or anyone but myself. I could do what I wanted, when I wanted and I could disappear or go off the grid without notice. Life was a lot easier then but I wasn’t achieving many of my goals and I definitely wasn’t progressing in life.
Right now, there is so much going on in my life that it scares me. From my to-do list, business obligations, the people I am responsible for, the projects, programmes, launches, shows I am performing in, launching my new single, working on my new solo show Tangihanga and more. I can no longer disappear or hide anymore. So in today's blog, I wanted to share some of those fears and what I am doing to work through them.
Putting myself out there
It is not easy sharing my journey so openly with the world. With that comes the fear of judgment, actually being judged and being misunderstood a lot. That can be difficult at times because I’ll say one thing whether online or in person and people misconstrue my intended thoughts and spin a whole new narrative. I have always been an open book and very transparent with my life and thoughts. What I say is usually exactly what I mean because I try not to mince my words. However, people put their own perceptions on what they feel I was saying, which is actually contrary to what I actually intended. My life is pretty amazing but I encounter a lot of difficulties because I am pushing myself beyond my capacity daily; extending myself way beyond what I think I am capable of and constantly crossing into new territories. I question myself but I keep moving forward. So, I think it’s important to share the vulnerable moments of my life, the wins and everything in between. People think because I share those vulnerable moments or crappy days that I have that something is wrong with me or that my life is really bad. But we all have those days, they happen and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. I hope that with me sharing my journey, which is scary to do and causes me a bit of anxiety at times, it can somehow help someone else feel less alone in their own trek through life.
The Unknown
I am walking into uncharted waters in so many areas of my life for a lot of different things. One area being my business, Maia Dreams, which I started 3.5 years ago. For the last 7 years we have been delivering a programme called 'Confident Me' in Hawkes Bay Schools. Recently we launched our first ever out of School Confident Me Programme. Confident Me is a confidence building programme I developed over 12 years ago for children and youth that uses Tikanga Maori, Personal Development and Performing Arts to build Confidence. We use these 3 areas to explore tools to help equip them with strategies that they can use to navigate themselves throughout their lives. It was scary because it was a lot of work figuring out logistics and executing a new plan. Sometimes, we ask ourselves - Is it needed? Will people want it? What are the right systems to set it up? Registration forms, landing pages, emails, promoting, launching and all the behind the scenes work before the delivery itself. I find myself questioning the whole way whether we are doing the right thing. It's scary because I care so much that I want what we are delivering to really help all the beautiful children and youth that we are working with, that what we are delivering is helping them to learn how powerful they are, that they have a voice, that they can be in charge of their own thoughts, feelings and that they can take ownership of who they are. We are also in the middle of launching a few new online programmes and our Confident Mini Me Journal. It is an interactive Self Growth Journal to find another way to support children in their life journey. I have never done these things before so I don’t want to mess it up or get it wrong. However, that is unavoidable. Failure, learning curves, experimenting and testing are all a part of the process. I have been reminding myself that once you do anything for the first time, then it gives you the blueprint on how to do it better the next time. Now, we are even more prepared to deliver our next out of school Programmes.
Moving the Bar consistently
I have been doing vision boards for about 14 years. I remember 2 years ago when I decided I was going to create a 10 year vision board. One that was detailed and clearly mapped out like a step by step guide to success. So I spent 100 hours on doing a detailed goal setting plan and 75 hours putting my vision board together. I felt excited and proud looking at this mammoth vision board that completely filled one side of my bedroom wall. I looked at it as much as I could and would stare at it while visualizing me achieving many of the goals. However, on day 3, I had a moment of realization that scared me and made me feel hopeless. It dawned on me that, in this moment, I was not the person who could achieve those goals. I wasn’t physically her, in my business, in love, as a mum and that was hard to digest. I realized that I’d have to work towards being the person I was destined to be. I couldn’t do the same things that I had been doing and hope that I’d get closer to that woman on my vision board. We don't just accidentally arrive there. We have to do things that we have never done before. We have to take on new challenges, do bigger projects, move the bar consistently so that we are always growing and expanding. It’s like this famous quote "Insanity Is Doing the Same Thing Over and Over Again and Expecting Different Results". Two years later I can look at that vision board and see how much closer I am to that woman on my vision board. I have done things that scared me, wondered if I could do it but continued to make massive changes in my life consistently. I am excited to see me even closer to that woman I am destined to be in another 2 years.
Am I capable?
I believe in myself but as I start doing things I have never done before on a larger scale, I wonder if I can do it. Sometimes, I start to lack faith in my abilities. In last week's Blog I talked about pep talking myself and it is something I have to do relentlessly. I have to reassure myself that I can do it. I have to remind myself that I am not locked into my past. I am not the sum total of anyone's opinion. I am capable of achieving bigger things and it is okay to do it even if I am absolutely scared. I am lucky that I have proven to myself over and over on so many occasions that I am capable of doing great things. This evidence shows me that the fears I have around whether I can do it or not are unfounded. The more we prove to ourselves that we can do the things that we are scared of when we question our abilities, the less those fears can hold us back.
Today, I am less fearful and feel more confident in myself. Sometimes, we feel like we are failing or that things are too big to achieve. When really, sometimes, it is just taking us a little longer to get there. If we keep working on our goals everyday, we will get to our destination eventually. I am slowly building an amazing team around me in Maia Dreams so we can achieve bigger business goals. I am taking bigger leaps in my Artistic career and I am really working on improving my health even more in 2022. So we'll end this piece with the a popular adage that goes, ‘Feel the Fear and do it anyway’.
Thank you.